Making life happen · Motherhood

Me Time

So I just had a baby.

4 kids down the road and I think I lost myself somewhere. Or maybe I lost myself somewhere when i was 16 and then never found me again.

In the last nine months I’ve learnt things I never knew. I suddenly have a social life. I don’t think I’ve had one since 2006.

I remember the first day of homeschool playgroup I sat there dumbfounded as all the moms around me described the careers they had left behind to homeschool. I felt embarrassed to talk about mine.

Because I had none.

I had aspired to have none.

I had given up the hope to be anything but a home maker years before I got married. Not because society called for it, but because I wanted to be free to give my family every ounce of my time. To make it work. My parents and my siblings and then eventually my husband and children.

I gave it everything. Every minute of my time.

All I wanted was a happy family. I failed with the one I was born into but Allah blessed me with happiness in the new one.

All I wanted was a happy family.

That was my passion, my career, my mission in life.

It was only last year that I realised I should want something for me, because everyone else did. Because I felt burnt out and didn’t understand why. I couldn’t understand what I was supposed to want. My kids were independant, I got time to sit down and enjoy tea alone. I had time to watch a movie quietly. What did I need? Was I missing something? I occasionally wrote children’s poetry and published it. That was something I did for myself.

Being a homeschool mom, my day revolves around the children, their routines, their activities. Then there’s my husband, my best friend. The remaining time I have, I want to spend with him.

Then there’s my husbands family, we go to meet every weekend. Its been 8 years. Through babies and pregnancies we’ve driven to their city 2 hours away. I’m not trying to boast, but I genuinely never thought there was anything wrong with it. People ask me how I manage it. I just tell them that I do. You’ve gotta do what you’ve gotta do. Thats my motto. So every weekend is kept uncommitted. My husband is free to plan something, but I never do.

So I realised that I should want to plan things I want to do. Go places I want to go. Tell my husband to watch the kids and head out, instead of feeling guilty for burdening him with childcare. If I want to study something, I should. I should meet people and make friends. I should read books again. I don’t have to act like my time is dispensable and drop whatever I’m doing at one call from a family member and respond immediately. I’m supposed to have a life of my own. I’m supposed to have a boundary and people should respect it.

So today I have a plan.

I’m going to make a schedule for me. Me and the things I want to do. Me and my relationship with God. And insha Allah I’ll fill up the free time for everyone else, because I’m important too.

A flower will only blossom if it gets what it needs to grow.

 

 

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2 thoughts on “Me Time

  1. Awww this was so beautiful. It’s wonderful to be able to do so much for your family but it’s true, you need YOU time. When you fit in the things you love, even if it’s something as small as reading a few pages of your favorite book each day, it really makes a difference and you will actually be better able to care for others because you took care of yourself. Have fun writing out your list!

    Liked by 1 person

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