Don’t undermine your pain!

How did they do it back in the day?

That’s a question I often ask myself. Particularly about home management, child rearing and birth.

Comparing myself to others hurt me a lot. I mean it really hurt. I have 7 years worth of debilitating back pain to testify to that. I already have a tendency to ignore pain, both physical and mental and it doesn’t help when the elders and even doctors around you say things like, “It happens to everyone”, “It’ll go away”, “You’re hurting because you didn’t do what I told you to” and other things of that sort.

I’ve been in so much pain and yet ignored it with painkillers and tears.

After searching for answers for so long and persevering through trips to many dismissive doctors, I think I finally have an explanation that makes sense.

Did you know you can damage your pelvis while giving birth. Apparently I did. Most likely with my first child. Then I had 3 more children and the pain grew worse with each child.

After ignoring what my husband calls “Conny the judgemental cow” in many shapes and forms I started physiotherapy for my back last week and my therapist said that my pelvis had rotated, most likely during childbirth.

So I’m on the road to recovery insha Allah.

It took me years of self denial and struggle against cultural norms to get here.

Where I come from, women are raised to believe they ought to live for others only. A truly successful women is a sort of martyr who strives to please everyone around her while completely ignoring herself. In honour of this sacrifice she eventually becomes physically crippled and it is then the duty of the younger generation to serve her limitlessly because she has finally earned  the utmost level of respect. Therefore she enjoys her old age being served like a queen while the next generation of women follow in her footsteps and become the new sacrificial lambs.

I have come to despise this so deeply, because I was raised to be a lamb and  I am surrounded by people who see me as nothing but that.

I refuse to be crippled, I refuse to watch my physical and mental health deteriorate. I want to do everything I can to change things. The only good I gained from this age old practice is the amount of compassion and empathy I learnt to have.

My faith does not allow this. God does not allow this. I don’t think people realise the havoc that is created in society by destroying a woman. The tempest of mental disorders that can plague a civilization, all stem from the broken men and women that become parents.

My statements may be uninformed, maybe even incorrect, but I plan to equip myself to find the answers insha Allah. I don’t know how I will do it, but this was my life and I’ve always struggled to understand what drives me to let people walk over me.

Now I know.





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