Motherhood

Understanding Myself

How do you not feel burnt out? How do you keep giving without depleting yourself of mental energy?

I keep doing things and then end up feeling resentment towards most people around me. Why?

I don’t understand myself. I get angry and agitated, irritated and go through bouts of what feels like mutiny! Despite all this, I walk diligently on the road of expectation and whenever my husband encourages me to wander, I am consumed by guilt.

Whenever something upsets me, I cannot identify the emotion or reason behind the emotion. I have to evaluate the legitimacy of my feelings before allowing myself to feel them. These are some of the question I ask myself…

Is this how I should feel?

What kind of person would feeling this way, make me?

Am I entitled to feel this way or am I wronging someone or taking someones right by feeling this way?

Am I being unfair or biased or selfish?

I drive myself crazy with these thoughts and often numb myself to my emotions and then only comprehend them days or even years later. When I see someone else experience similar things it sort of dawns on me like this, “Oh, so this is how I should have felt”, or “Oh, that’s why I felt sad”.

Its sort of like being hit on your head with a rock. For some reason your brain tells you nothing happened and that there’s something wrong with your head.

Then you see a rock fall on someone else’s head and they hold their head in pain and cry or shout. You look at that person with surprise and go “Hey, I think thats what happened to me!”, you touch the lump that never healed and it still hurts. And then you cry and cry because the pain now affects other parts of you and you’ve struggled not to be grumpy because of the pain. The pain that you ignored and thought was the result of your own shortcomings.

Does that make sense?

I’m constantly struggling to understand myself. There’s a buzzing in my mind that’s telling me there have been a lot of rocks. So now I’m playing match the columns like in grade school. And every time I find a match, I try to change the behaviour that blinded me.

I used to think I was very emotionally aware. I think I’m emotionally aware where others are concerned, just not about myself. I’m not sure at which point in life I started thinking the tears came because I was sensitive, not because I was wronged.

Maybe thats why I smile about the small stuff and do anything to ensure the emotional environment around me stays bright and cheerful. I feel sorry for my children because I cannot give myself what I need so that I can be more present for them. I want to love them more intensely but often enough, I cannot, because I feel depleted almost regularly.

I try hard to be organised, because the lack of control and measurability pushes me deeper into an abyss of unidentifiable pain.

People ask me why I do things the way I do…honestly, I don’t know. Maybe in a few years I’ll figure it out…

I write a lot about myself on this blog, because that was the entire purpose. Is this an open diary? Not really. The truth is that I want to reach out to others like myself. The everyday mothers that struggle through culture, responsibility, self denial and lack of emotional awareness. Why? Because I have always felt alone. Discussing inner struggles is often seen as a weakness, and if left alone they can consume our lives.

So lets talk…

 

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